I don't really know what to say, I just really need to talk about it to people that don't really know me. I was bullied severely for my whole school experience, which just got worse as I got older. I didn't really realise until I quit school at 16 how much it had affected me. By that time, my arms and legs were covered in slowly fading scars, my confidence was non existed, my nerves were shattered, I didn't even know how to hold a conversation or how to act around people my anxiety was so bad, and my OCD had taken over my life. A few months out of school, I really started to feel more like the old me, although only in small doses. I was still haunted by memories everyday, but it was okay. I was free from school. But it wasn't as easy to let go of all those feelings as I thought. I stopped self harming pretty soon after I left school, and started dieting instead. The biggest topic that the bullies liked to point out was my weight. I was almost 200 pounds, so it was a huge target of bullying. But when I reached my goal weight, which was originally 9 stone, the weight just kept falling off, and I didn't want it to stop. My portions got smaller and smaller, my excercise's became more frequent, and my clothes got bigger and bigger. I was approaching the 6 stone mark when I was almost hospitalised last November. Just the thought of being in hospital terrified me, and as hard as it was, I started on the road to recovery. It was so difficult, and now a year later, I'm still gaining weight, in small doses, and it's terrifying. I hate my body. I hate everything about it. I'm at the 9 stone mark now and I don't know when it's gonna stop. One thing I noticed is that since I stopped starving myself, the self harm has started up. I only realised recently that starving myself was a form of self harm.. a way of punishing myself. And now that I don't have that, I've gone back to my old ways. All I can think about is cutting myself. Whenever I do something wrong, or feel guilty or sad about anything, it's all I can think about. It helps release the pressure, for a while. I know there's better ways to deal with stress, but it's hard to ignore the urge when it's so strong. I don't know if anyone can help, I just wanted to share a bit of my story. Just to let it out without having to actually say the words to someone in person. Thank you for reading.