I never really cut in the traditional way.Thinking back, the first form of self harm I did was as a punishment and it was just slamming parts of my body into hard things or the opposite, the point was just to "harmlessly harm" myself. I always had a fear of doing permanent damage, but that never stopped me. As I grew up, I realized a number of things, first that I was gay (though that never really affected mylife, thank god), second that I suffered from an anxiety disorder and a very minor form of autism, third that blunt force trauma was no longer good enough. I was still young, so I didnt really cut, I scratched. If I felt I needed to, I would take my nails (or sometimes a broken pencil) and rake them (it) over my left palm or left lower arm (I'm right handed). I had an incident at a camp I went to and got into such a fit that I grabbed a plastic fork I had in my pocket (dont ask), broke it, and scratched my lower arm as fast as I could up and down, the damage caused very slight scarring and a wound that took weeks to heal properly. I decided that it was too noticable there, so I moved the spot to the back of my neck. (Am I wrong? I mean, you could do i in public with no one noticing, "Just scratching my neck until the pain stops.") Recently I found an x-acto blade and decided to experiment with "cutting" so i spent a night scratchng it along different parts of my body, neve actually breaking the skin, and decided to stick to the back of my neck. I do it at least a few times a day with my own knife and at work sometimes with a box cutter. I have yet to actually draw blood which is bothering me, but the pain is still there. The initial "cutting" if you can call it that, stings and then after a few times it feels like a sunburn on the back of the neck. I told a very close friend and they told me to seek help, but the taboo around it all makes me wary. I had to tell some one else, though so here I am.

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By: Tabi

on: 04.08.15

Hello!
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Fortunately that taboo or stigma around self harm is becoming less and less so you could go and talk to your GP about getting help. We would really encourage you to do this sooner rather than later as self harm can end up become a habit or even addictive and so it may be easier for you to find alternative coping mechanisms at this stage than after a while of using self harm as a coping mechanism.
You could ask your friend who you told about it to come with you to the GP, as it can be hard to do on your own. There may be other places local to you that you can drop into and chat with them how you are feeling and whats going on.
We have lots of distraction/alternative ideas on our articles page and as answers to some of the questions if you would find that helpful it might be worth looking at those: https://www.selfharm.co.uk/articles/distractions-draw-it.-relieve-it.-freeze-it
Hope that helps! Tabi