(TRIGGER WARNING)

I started self -harming when I was 18.

At the time I had a lot of family issues and things in general weren’t going well for me. I wasn’t really even aware what I was doing at the time, just that it made me feel better, feel something that I was controlling.

This went on till I turned 20 and found drugs as a new coping mechanism. So, sadly, I changed one type of self- harm for another and again I didn’t notice until I was in pretty deep. So for the next 10 years I took almost every drug imaginable, and became addicted to heroin and methadone.

Before long, maybe 4 years into this, I started cutting myself again, little ones at first so no one would notice but, as my rage and helplessness got to me more, those cuts got deeper, longer and more frequent. 

I shall not go into details too much but now my right arm has no part that isn’t scarred; my shoulders, legs and thighs are pretty much the same, my left arm has only a few.

So after all those years my life changed again. I got clean from all the drugs with lots of help from my mother who has stood by me all these years and I count as a constant blessing. I moved in with her and she helped me detox which was not easy on either of us.

This year I am 6 years clean but things have not been going well of late and I’ve found myself reaching for the blade twice now, small cuts compared to what I have done in the past, but it scares me, will I always do that when things get too much?

I feel stronger now than I was back then yet I can’t truly answer myself as to why. Don’t get me wrong: I am aware of a few of my triggers, stress is the main one but sometimes anger and frustration at other people can be the cause of it too.

What I’m trying to say really is don’t stop trying, even if things are bad right now: please find someone who you trust and talk to them about it. Today I’m about to let my mother know that I’ve started harming again and hope she will understand. She always has - so I’m lucky, but not everyone is, so it’s important to talk, and to listen too.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I truly hope that if you’re still searching for answers, that you find them.

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