Ive never been the outgoing confident child, i was more of a indoors kind of girl, id pick TV over seeing my friends, id spend time with my cats rather than adventuring ouside and run around then house singing and dancing to classic rock music. Growing up wasnt such a great start to life for me, although i remember some grand memories the rest are just nightmares.
At the age of five my mum and dad divorced eachother, at the time i had no idea what was going on but soon all the pieces started to fit together. My mum is an alcoholic she is also a diabetic, and drinking made situations alot worse. She'd pick myself and my brother up from school drunk, she would leave the house through the middle of the night and not tell us where she would go, she knew drinking could effect her health more but she wouldnt stop. My dad has been there to look after me and my older brother since all of this happened, i dont know what id do without him. Since my mum made my life difficult i have choosen to not speak or see her, as a result in this i have found myself to be stronger and ive realised i could've done something sooner.
School has always been a problem for me i used to have an attendence of 100% then it dropped to 25%. which in my case is extremely bad. When i reached year 10 i put effort in to make sure my attendence would rise, im glad i did. Self Harm first came around when i was in year 8 i would of been 12 or 13 i cant quite remember, because of my hair colour and size i was bullied alot.
I remember the first ever day i hurt myself, i was at my mums house, in my room. That day wasnt the brightest,my mum had recived a call from the council that i was missing school to much and id be in serious trouble. at that time school was like a prision and i didnt intend on going. i sat at the end of my bed, my mind was spinning with thoughts. i wanted to scream, and then the idea of hurting myself started to sink in. I got up my mind still spinning with thoughts, i searched throughout my drawers looking for something to use. I come across a small spiky pin which i used. From that moment i changed.
Since that day in 2013 i hurt myself nearly everyday, it was like my life was consumed by it. My dad never knew about it, i was to afraid of telling him not knowing how he would react. The only people who knew were my mum and some close friends. One day i snapped out of the spirual which was consuming my life and finally asked my mum for help. She took my to the doctors and they diagnosed my with depression and transferred my to a place called C.A.M.H.S. I told my dad about everything, he took it well but i knew he was hurt.
After 3 to 4 months of therepy i got discharged from C.A.M.H.S. finally things started to look up school was better and i made new friends.
im now 15 things have been like a rollercoaster, up and down. On the 12th of october i took a blade and made a mistake, i cut myself, this was one of the worst ive even done i was left with 5 deep wounds, i hadnt cut myself badly for 27 days but it all got to much. I had to realise the storm which had been built up inside my head for a long time. When i look at those scars i realise everone falls sometimes but you will rise back up and relive your glory. Im getting more and more help each day, everyone supportive, im surrounded by people who love and protect me. I always thought what my life would be like without self harm, i thought i would never cope, i was addicted to the feeling self harm gave me. I stopped myself and realised 'what am i doing' so i took the step to stop myself. Its hard but i overcome it, im now left with scars from a war in which i have won, i hold my head up high.
A way in which helped me cope was this little method. I'd draw a little bufferfly on my wrist, id make it look beautiful, with loads of colours and detail. A work of art aha. i'd name this butterfly after a person which i love and care about. No body wants to hurt a butterfly so why should i hurt my wrist. Life is good, everyday great new things happen. Im proud to call myself a survivor.
Although it may seem impossible to stop cutting, but with the right help and care you can over come anything.