Hello, My name is Molly. I'm 17 and i want to tell you my story.

I had just started a part time job at the weekend aswell as doing my GCSE's. I took all Coursework subjects at school so i found it very hard to keep on top of my work. I was getting very stressed at the time and i think my birthday just made things worse beause i had the hassle of family and friends making a fuss when i had so much to do.I started Self-harming on my 16th birthday in october 2013, I was going out for a meal for my bithday and for some unknown reason i had a bit of a melt  down and i got very angry with my mum and dad and it ruined the whole night. When we came home i went straight in my room and thats when this all began. I was over thinking what had happened that night and i came to the conclusion that i was so stupid and horrible to my parents. Recently at school a girl was caught self-harming in the toilets and i thought if it can help her not think about her problems it will help me. And it did!.

My problem is that i never stopped. I Began self-harming to forget about any problems i had and this happened through out year 11. I had my art exam coming up in december 2013 and it was a very busy month as we had many cousework deadlines etc. I became worse i was cutting in lessons when nobody was about, and i was shutting everyone out my parents noticed my cuts at one point during december and my dad said that he wants me to be happy and not depressed and that i shouldn't be silly. I knwo he meant well but i was not being silly this was something i genuinly thought was helping me. I stopped over christmas as i was enjoying the holidays and it distracted me from other things. When we came back after christmas it began again, i was also being picked on a lot at school as i wasn't the most popular of people. I had people sending pictures of me that they had edited around the whole school (which is a big school, there is about 1500 students), people from different year groups were coming ap to me and laughing, i told my mum but she said to just ignore them. This happened for a couple of months.

When it came to March it was a very sad time as my dog had to be put down. She was 12 which is a good age but i had had her since i was 6 and she was like a sister. I know this will sound wierd but i could always go to her when i was down and needed a cuddle. From this moment until my 17th Birthday i had stopped, i was not cutting for 6 months this was mainly because i felt that i should not hurt myself because if my dog could swap places she would have done because she wanted to live longer.

Over the summer in august i had left school and was finally ready to start college etc. I want to train to be a pastry chef and a vacancy for an apprenticeship in my old school kitchen was available and although i hated school it was a good opertunity. In september 2014 i started my apprenticship. I was fine for the first month or so but as it came up to my birthday i was remembering what had happened the year before. My dad had to go away for my birthday so i was upset about that and i became overwhelmed and i started cutting again. I had been on and off for the rest of 2014 and it was mainly me being jealous of friends that triggured me too cut but i wasn't as regular and i had been previous.

Through out the whole time i had been self-harming i was also thinking about suicide, i know i could never do it but the thought was there. Recently at the start of this year (2015) i had been feeling worse about myself and i was concidering suicide a lot more and i was getting worried. I had been talking on an online depression chat room with people with similar problems but it didn't seem to help. One night i started writing a suicide note telling my friends and family my story  but it was at that point that i knew i needed to do something about it. I told my closest friend but obviously she didnt take it wll and became upset that i didnt tell her a year ago but she understood that it was hard for me. She recently was diagnosed with depression at the doctors but i am not capable of sharing my emotions with people and that i one of the reasons i hadn't told her before because i didnt wasnt her to get worse.

She tols her mum which told my mum and now i'm being watched 24/7 but they only do it because they love me. I still find it hard and i want to cut soooooo bad! i'm trying to stop but if my mum see's me do it again she is taking me to the doctors. My only advice is simply do what you think you should do, dont start somthing that people you know have done because you will become addicted.

thanks for reading x :)

Comments (2)

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By: Tabi

on: 04.03.15

Hi Molly,

Thank you for sharing your story. I wonder if there is a way of communicating to your parents how you feel and how you felt when your dad asked you to stop being silly. Sometimes being able to write it in a letter is easier than trying to communicate verbally the first time you open up about it.
It would also be great to think about the positive things that distracted you at Christmas, and maybe try and think of some of those that you could still use to distract you when you feel overwhelmed or upset. There are lots of ideas on the articles section of our website if you wanted to look at those too.
Well done for telling your friend and beginning to share how you feel. I know that if feels hard to share our emotions when you have felt so alone with them for so long but it may really help to share with people that could help. 
Take Care, Tabi

The Author:
MollyRoseHopkins

on: 05.03.15

I have recently told my parents how I am feeling… but they still don’t seem to understand… my job is still making me stressed and self-harming is still something I think about a lot as well as suicide but you’ll be pleased to know I haven’t self-harmed in 2 months so I am feeling better!