So hi, I'm 15 years old and have been self harming since year 7/8. I don't know how it started but I picked up that razor and did it. I didn't tell anyonewhen I did it because I personally did t know myself. I didn't do it for a year but then my dog died. My dog was my best friend she was always there for me when I was down and she always seemed to care in a way. She had been with me for about 12 years and then she was gone. She had cancer, and we had it removed once but then it came back. The second time it was impossible to remove. So right there and then without any warning we had to put her to sleep. I stayed in the room and cried so hard I made myself sick. I didn't know what to do, I just cried and cried and cried. I didn't eat for days I didn't even go outside. My whole world was interrupted. I then didn't know what to do yo manage my hurt. So I did it again. It felt so much better than being able to do nothing. I secretly did it for months but eventually I had to tell my best friend, I couldnt tell without crying I didn't know what to say so I didny. She guessed. I felt sick and sick but it got easier to talk to her about it. I had days where I'd just cry and cry and do nothing else. It got bad, really bad. When I was in school all I did was cry my eyes were sore my skin was sore. Everything hurt outside and in. I did it everyday more a less. I didn't and couldn't stop. My attitude was appauling. I cried in lessons on break on lunch in the bath. I was a mess. My school work and friends just seemed to go away. I pushed everyone away and everything. I wasn't the same person, all of this because my best friend was taken away from me. In the end I realised I was just doing it for the sake of it and I generally didn't care I was punishing myself for being pathrtic amongst other things. When my assistant headteachers realised I was a mess after over a year, yes it took that long. She called my dad and arranged for me to see the school counsellor. I didn't tell any adult at first what I do but then I did. Year 10 it came out. She asked me a couple sessions into the year and I couldn't hold it in any longer. The thing was, was that she had to tell my dad. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I thought my life was over. I imagined the disappointment in his eyes. Even though I had already told my dad previously it was guy renching. When I told my dad I self harmed it was in the car park along a row of shops, I didn't expect it to come out but it did. I prolonged it as long as I possibly could buy them when I did say he asked me why. I didn't tell him anything so I had yo say I didn't know. He didn't believe me and then the dreadful question came... Will you show me? I denied quicker than I should of done but it was a reaction. A gut reaction. I got worse as he was always asking have you done it again what's the matter now, he even searched my room every 2 days looking for sharpeners. Thing was was that I didn't always use that. It came to a point when I didn't bleed for some reason. My mind was always on alert, can you see the cuts and scars is this jumper too sketchy. I had to wear jumpers leggings and shorts in summer. My mum began to notice but didn't suspect anything. I eventually told someone else but it backfired, she fell out with me and told her mum which in return told my mum. I lied to her and denied it she got thrown off and believed me which was great. I surprised myself at how good I could lie. I can't exactly write everything but I try. At one point in my self harming I stopped for a week or two buy everyday my skin ached and itched to be cut. I cried as it drove me insane I scratched away as it itched evenmore. That was scary to me so I just relieved it I gave in. I have much more to write but if you would like to know more tell me as I would love to tell everyone more.x

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By: Tabi

on: 08.04.15

Hello,
Thanks for sharing your story.
It’s so sad having to say goodbye to a family pet and they often feel like part of the family, so I can imagine that was really tough. Sorry to hear what a huge impact that the loss had on you and that it felt that no one could understand how you were feeling.
We’d love for you to try and talk to someone about it again as that can be a great step forward in recovering. Maybe if you wrote it in a letter to your mum and tried to explain the story as you have on here it may help her to understand. However if you don’t feel able to do that. What about joining our Alumina Live course. It’s a six week course, which will encourage you to think about why you self harm and try to help you take steps towards recovering. http://alumina.selfharm.co.uk
Best wishes
Tabi