I only stated to self harm after my mums boyfriend left. I kept it a secret from my mum and friends as i know what they would say "your crazy, attention seeker and it's stupid". I know i shouldn't do it but for me it is the fastest way too get my pain and anger out. The resonance for why i do it are all different. My mums ex use to force me to do stuff it had happened to me from the start so i never knew any different he would have other friends that would come round and i would have to do stuff i was only 10 it felt wrong and i couldn't sleep at night. When i started secondary school i start to realize what was happening at School was not wright and teachers would notice markes on my body and how i wast the same as everyone else as i kept myself hidden. They wanted me to talk and tell them what was happening it took them a while but i eventually started to say little bits, i was scared if i did say something i would get hurt at home, he told me if i did say something they wouldn't believe me. But when i did start to say what was happening he moved within a week because child services got involved. My mum got very depressed after he left as it was the first time she had been alone she would say it's all my fault he went away. My got very ill she started to drink every night i had to take care of her some days. Something it didn't get too go school as my mum would be sick in bed or she had passed out so i would try to get up and into bed. She got angry art little things and it would get me angry coz it probably be my fault. The first time I cut was when my mum said she didn't love me, it got too me so much as she is all i have. It wasn't what i expected it didn't stop bleeding and got every were but after i stop thinking about it i felt less angry and upset i really help's. I started to do it every time i got angry or upset. Alot of the time i would get upset over thinking about my mums ex. He wasn't hire but he still made me feel sick inside. I got into drugs as my friend stated doing them with her new group of friends i joined them as it was a different way for me too get away from everything but i stated too get angry more easily and would get violent i was getting into trouble at School. I knew it made my mum stressed. I was getting into trouble with the police at 13. I got excluded from my school for being assaulting a teacher looking back at it makes me unhappy i was showing off. My mum home schooled me fro a few months why i was waiting for a school too let me in me and my mum became a lot closer i stop doing drugs and didn't cut as much, my mum cut down on drinking and became more happy i Finley got into a school and i wanted too make my mum proud by not fucking up. It was working for a few months i didn't cut for months and was happy. But i stared too become friends with my old friends and went back to my old self and started too muck up at School again. I got a boyfriend and i was staying out every night with him we would go and do coke and pills then have sex it wasn't the best relationship. I got pregnant witch switch everything round. I told my boyfriend and he didn't want anything to do with it as i was under age he thought he would get into trouble i tried overdosing that night and cut all the way up my arms. It made me sick but that was it my boyfriend got back involved after that. We both deseeded that i would keep it and she/he would live with me. Everything was going great i was happy my mum knew and was fine i started to go doctors appointment and got a few date and scans ,august the 8th . But i had a row with him and the next day i had a miscarriage it was the worst time of my life. Me and him had hundred off rows about it and Finley stop seeing each other. I went back to citing and trying to kill myself again i felt i had nothing to live for. I had a a boyfriend called k after that. I knew he didn't love me and was just using me but i didn't want to leave. I was talking too some kid called Jaime on fb and he made me feel better about k. I really liked Jaime we would spend all night talking about shit i really cared for him. After me and k broke up after a month and became close with Jamie we stated to go out and he would stay round mine and we just talk i love him he was something different he told me he was scared to get hurt and i told him i would never hurt him tow weeks into are relationship i realised he was talking to other girls including his ex he was saying he wanted her back. We had only been going out for a couple of weeks but this destroyed me I really loved him. I cut myself after this as so much stuff was going frow my head. i would come home to see a message from him saying he still loves me I couldn't handle it i was cutting deeper then i have before i was get my hair straightens and burning my skin. It wasn't about the release of anger anymore i just want the pain. I still want Jamie back i still love him he stopped me cutting before and he made sure i went to school and made me feel safe when he hold me. I haven't stopped citing and don't think i will as i struggle to much but i will try to keep my head up as hard as that is.

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By: Rachael Costa

on: 26.01.15

It sounds like you’re having a really hard time. Have you been to doctor to perhaps chat about your mood? It might be worth, too trying to find a local project who can support you?