I have been self harming by cutting for a while now and my mum found out early this year. She has been doing absolutely everything she can to help me, she has been finding different ways to cope, ways to distract me,people to talk to, things for me to do and she has just recently got me into CAMHS. I have been trying my hardest to return the kindness to my mum by trying to do the one thing she requested I do in return, stop self harming and take care of myself. I have been trying so hard for my mum because I am extremely grateful for all her support and I love her so much, I managed to stay clean for a full month and I let all my cuts heal. I had my first ever appointment at CAMHS this week alongside my mum and it all went really well but later that night I felt so guilty for using the service and I felt as though someone more important could have been in my appointment and I started overthinking everything and I ended up cutting my thigh. I feel absolutely terrible for it and I have no idea how to tell my mum I just feel as though I am going to break her heart and I hate myself for it. But this guilt and hate for myself because of doing this is leading me to want to cut so much more and I can't trust myself at all and I'm no sure what to do. Any advice would be really really appreciated as I am really struggling to cope just now. Thanks x

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By: Ruth Ayres

on: 05.08.16

Firstly well done for going a whole month without harming, that is really really positive! Self-harm is a complex issue and you should not feel so guilty for harming again. Relapse is a big part of recovery and it sounds as though you have been doing so well. From reading what you have written it sounds as though you and your mum have a strong relationship and it appears to me that she just wants you to be honest with her. I heard a story this week of a girl who put a white board in her room and everyday she didn’t harm she put a line on the white board, then her mum knew she was doing better. When she did harm she wiped all the marks of the board so her mum knew to talk to her. Keeping the lines of communication open with your mum is really important and you need to try to be as honest as you can with her. With regards to CAMHS, you should not feel guilty for accepting a service you have been identified as needing. Take the therapy and use it to begin to try and feel better. I wish you all the best with your continuing journey.

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